Anger does not equate with love

Dear Alexiss

Since being off work full time and spending more time with you, I've been doing a lot of thinking and setting my head and heart straight. Never think that my love for you isn't bigger than everything else life throws my way. Your love rules my way and I am never thinking of just myself, I'm also thinking of you and Dad in everything I do.

I admit, I struggle with staying home full-time, it's a shift I'm having a difficult time with but I'm working hard to narrow down just what I'm trying to hold so tight onto. Work is work but work also gives us a sense of accomplishment. It's easy to finish a task and present it with a big smile knowing I've completed the task well. With you, it's not as easy to know when I'm doing the right thing, I don't think I'll ever know. All I can do is to try to protect you from harm while also knowing when to let you go explore and grow on your own. Another mom said to me that you are healthy and happy, so I must be doing a great job. But it's so much more than that.

Some mom's don't talk about it, I don't know why. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't love you like I should, but then I started realizing all the other feelings may impact or seem to overlay my love for you, but they are totally separate things. Anger and impatience is not about how much I do or do not love you, it's nothing external and everything internal to me. What a huge realization! Say it with me, "Anger has nothing to do with loving or not loving a person". I can get angry with someone I don't necessary click with, but I can also get angry with those I love the most. So, my conclusion is, anger is never in the same equation with love. Remember that, not just from me but from everyone you come into contact with.

Today I realized that prayer is love. Regardless of denomination, it makes us aware of our hearts, our compassion and our empathy for others. Prayer, even if to a different God, is pure love and positive energy beamed your way. Be grateful for those are willing to publicly pray for you and think of you. Of course, some people may pray for you in a way you are not inclined because they think they know what is best for you, in that instance, pray for them for acceptance and tolerance in your differences. I think I've written you a past letter about types of love and how people show it. It's a tough one.

So, while I put you down to bed tonight, and after an hour and a half when you're still wiggling, it seems you'll never fall asleep and my patience wears thin, remember, even with the short curt "Alexiss, go to sleep"'s, there is still love in the room and always will be. My responsibility as a parent is to grow and nurture your spirit and self enough so that when the times comes, you are capable and strong enough to find your way in life and be willing to go the way you see fit, despite what others may think (yes, even me).

Always
Momma

First things first.. and other things next

A blog of all blogs, lots to tell from the past few days but sleep won out...until today. So while Ali naps, I'll try to include it all in one. The sleep saga continues, last night Ali was up at 11:00, 3:00 and then for good at 7:00. We're going to get her a more firm bed/mattress and I hope Mark will help me with some food sensitivity testing. Well, the cat's on the desk chair, so I'm perched at the kitchen table, chilly, tired a little achy and wanting to nap, but.. I have so much to tell!

Today was a special Mom and Tots day thanks to a few moms and Agrium, the moms were treated to a first aid day and left with amazing first aid kits:

There's a small kit included as well, thanks to them, I can now replace my make-shift kit in the diaper bag with a real one! I can't believe the stuff inside, normal first aid stuff plus some non typical stuff like some emergency candles, a flash light and one of those shiny tin-foilish emergency blankets! This was my week for snacks and because it was going to be a bit longer of a session, I decided to make sandwich wraps. I always stress and question what I decide to make for people, thank goodness they were a hit! I made a few of many flavors so everyone could pick; Egg, Ham and Cheese, Nutella and banana, cream cheese dipped in butter and rolled in cinnamon sugar, cucumber and laughing cow, ham and cheese and turkey with cranberry. Whew!

Okay, pretend this is yesterday's blog entry, k?

Pretty Cold and Pretty

It's official, Ali doesn't like snow. So we stayed inside and made ourselves pretty and took it easy. Ali got into one of my make up palette's and I let her go with it, it was a light pink and I didn't see it doing much harm. Even if her cheeks weren't rosy from the cold, they were from the make up!

Okay, one more blog entry to go....

Booed and Boo Hoo-ed

This weekend was full of treats! Ron and Gail came for a visit, cooked some super yummy food and gave Ali her birthday presents! 

A neighbor started a community game where you "Boo" your neighbors. I think we were close to the beginning of it. So, the rule is, you get boo-ed (a bag of candy, a poem and a cute print out sign), then you have to Boo two neighbors. The print outs are found online at http://www.beenbooed.com/ or do a search, there's tons of different templates. So we... ate the candy, put up the "We've been booed" sign on the door so we won't get booed again, grabbed some candy at the store and made bags up, printed out the sign and poem and BOOED two neighbors. The idea is to see how quick it can spread through the neighborhood. I haven't noticed many more, but then again, with Ali not wanting to go out in the snow... we don't get too far.

You may notice a bit of a fat lip in the close ups above, Ali continues to learn the hard way about climbing on stuff and exactly what gravity is. A true scientist! Learning through experimenting. I could live without the big experiments though.  I try to keep an eye on her to steer her away from the big falls and climbs, this one wasn't that high, but she didn't want to let go of her new Horse to catch herself. I was mad at myself, mad at Mark... but then I realized that stuff like this just happens sometimes.

You may start to hear me saying "Ati" instead of "Ali". Her playmate, Lauren, cannot say Ali and it come out "Ati", I didn't think much of it, well, I did think it was cute, but that was as far as it went. It wasn't until Ryan, Linda and their 21 month old daughter, Violet, came to stay that it started to stick. Violet also called Alexiss "Ati".. and you know, she kinda likes it! heh.

Whew, so, 40 min into Ali's nap .....

One more thing: Needle in a Haystack! 

Some of you have probably heard me ramble about starting a yarn store from home amid the planning to leave full time work. It's slow going for sure, but last week I tried to become a distributor for one of my favorite supply company, Knit Picks. Their online request form asked for a license number... I got no further. You see, as a small home run business, I don't need a GST/HST Business number until my sales go over $30,000 a year, accountants recommend waiting since getting one before really complicates things around tax time, more forms, etc. Add that in rural Wheatland County the County doesn't like to give out licenses to home run businesses... and really... I don't have proof to places that I'm a legit business. Anyway, I emailed Knit Picks and they haven't totally said no yet! They wanted some information and pictures and are still considering letting me carry their yarn and supplies. This would also put me on their list of retail stores! yay! So, since I had to take some pics, here they are: 

Okay, 50 min into Ali's nap.... now I'm off to either knit or contact GarnStudio yarns to see if they're interested in letting me become a distributor for them. Toodles!

Two weeks Home

This is my second week home with Alexiss on an almost full time basis and we haven't killed each other yet. Although, Alexiss has shown talent as an interrogator, using sleep deprivation as a tactic. Poor girl, poor me, she continues to wake through the night, although it seems she's transitioning from a 3:00 am wake-up to a 1:00 am wake-up, and yes, the transition meant a few nights with both! I used to be able to catch up on weekends but she's started crying or making her way to the closed bedroom door and it's enough to stir me out of sleep, after a few attempts I've given in to just waking up.

We tried potty training last week with a successful morning and not so successful afternoon. Instead of adding the trama of making it a fight, I relented and we're back to diapers. Mind you, I'm fortunate enough that she's been pooping in the toilet for months. Part of me relenting was to ensure she doesn't revert into pooping in her diaper as well. I know it seems a little early, but she's really not enjoying her diapers anymore. Oh well, I thought I'd give it a go and... it didn't. We'll try again some other time, when she's watched Elmo's Potty video a few more times and we can sing the songs together. heh.

Thanks to Pinterest.com I've had some fun things to do... for Alexiss and for Mark. There's all kinds of home organization ideas, Do it Yourself projects and great ideas for kids including crafts and sensory play. A few weeks ago I had no idea what "sensory play" was! It was just play-doh, messy fun and exploring! They have a name for everything these days, even visiting friends is now "play dates". The moms around here must think I'm so out of touch!

Yesterday we had fun playing with baking soda and colored vinegar, fizz fizz fizz.

Well, I know we announced upon her birth that she's a girl, and sometimes she is.... when it comes to hair and getting nail polish on her toes, her untaught love of pink, but sometimes the tomboy comes out and the rocks go into her pockets, the dirt goes onto her face and anything gets climbed. What a great balance!

Oh.. and I'm sad to say "belbows" is now "elbows". It's tough, I know as a parent it's my responsibility to grow her and let her grow, she can't say "belbow" forever! I mean, what would her first boyfriend think!

We had company a few weekends ago, Mark's good friend Ryan, his wife Linda and their 21 month old, Violet! What a fun weekend, doing nothing and everything. We went to a park in Strathmore and played in the leaves.

Whew, so much to tell, but I don't want to ramble too much, I mean.. you poor people have to READ it all! So, now onto pictures and maybe, just maybe I'll get better at updating more often with little tidbits. Like last week, when she was at Bev's, I guess the toy of the day was the shower! Alexiss and Aurora would get into the shower and pretend to wash, then get out and giggle. Of all the toys.... the shower! Or how last week at the grocery store, she was getting fidgety, so I gave her a noisy box of alpha pasta to shake shake shake... and when that got boring, without me catching on, she opened it and started to munch on the uncooked pasta. She was thoroughly enjoying it... and the cashier got a kick out of it too, even amid the A's and B's that fell to the floor! And I swear... I had just fed her before we left! Or the night Mark left the cap to her bottle on the night stand, upon her 3:00 wake-up, she so coyly pointed to her bottle cap and shrugged her shoulders, bewildered as to where her bottle was. I couldn't help but indulge her in a little night time snack after laughing.

Okay, now I'll give your poor eyes a break and a treat!

Growing Pains?

Yes, having a child is painful,

...and mah belleh did grow!

...and I still get the odd twinge were I had the cesarian, but

...that was a long time ago, seems like ages ago and time does heal.

...for now, I'm not talking about giving birth

......or the bonks, headbutts, and fat lips.... the hair pulling, the pokes in the eye, the small finger up my nose (quite the nose bleed too!), the not-so-gentle caresses, the tickles that don't tickle yet, or the headaches from lack of sleep .... then there's the sore feet from all the outside walks (in slippers, because a fast bounce on the trampoline in the backyard never ends there, it ends up being a walk around the neighborhood.... not to mention the painful view I'm sure I am for neighbors.

...or the sore hips from sleeping on the floor beside her bed, not to mention sore neck. And before the floor, it's the rocking, which starts out in a comfortable position, but it never ends that way, and with her drifting off to sleep, I dare not move, holding my legs up like they are still crossed... but really... they aren't.

Anyway, I could go on about it forever, but that's not the point of today's post... growing pains is. Or rather, you tell me.

Alexiss has been having fun pointing and tickling "belbows" (elbows), today she decided that her belbows and arms needed a little Calamine lotion slathered on them. Me being the Momma that I am, happily obliged. What started out as her belbow, turned into her arm, wrists and palms. Once slathered, she was much happier indeed! I started wondering if she's been having growing pains and remembered how the Calamine lotion helped her insect bites.

Then there's the pain of a short walk turning into a looooonnnggg walk. Tonight, true to form, a quick backyard bounce turned into a walk around the neighborhood, I was smart enough put on pants (instead of pajama bottoms) and shoes this time!  We walked out for about 5 mins, then to get home... I swear it took me all kinds of tricks; Oh, Alexiss, look at THIS rock (10 steps ahead). Oh, Alexiss, can you walk like THIS? (backwards). Oh, Alexiss, aren't you getting hungry yet? (rumble rumble goes my tummy). Oh, Alexiss... well, they weren't all "Oh Alexiss" some were "kiddo", some were "Bubba", some were "AliAliAli" and the one that seems to get her attention lately is "Oh Little Miss!".

Today's mid-day bounce was with Dad, and thanks to an idea I saw on Pinterest.com, Alexiss had a fun wonderful time using chalk on the trampoline, still remembering the plane from earlier and happy to share the story, Alexiss rambled away and had lots of fun. If you listen close (cup your ear), you may hear Alexiss's rendition of what a pig says. I'm afraid she's going to loose it because neither Mark nor I can do it.

  

Today's earlier "bounce" resulted in us standing in the backyard, just listening. No pain at all, it was really kinda sweet and made my heart smile. We watched a plane fly overhead with our hands cupped at our ears. We watched it soar until it disappeared. Then the train "tooted" and we listened. Are you waiting for me to say there was a head butt involved? lol. Not today, but maybe tomorrow, who knows what tomorrow brings. Tonight brings a bath to get off all the pink on her arms.... 

Alexiss gets a pillow! My pillow!

So tonight, I asked Alexiss if she wanted a pillow in her bed.... She looked at me for a few seconds, grabbed mine and ran to her room, threw my pillow in her bed and looked at me with a huge smile!

.... now to keep checking on her to make sure she's okay. Ack, it's tough to let her grow up and not be overly worried!

Today Mark and Alexiss went outside as I was trying to rouse from sleeping in late.. and trying to tidy up too... I looked out the window to see Mark jumping on the trampoline and Alexiss sitting at her small picnic table, sippy cup in hand, watching Mark. I found out later, through Mark, that she'd directed Mark to get on the trampoline as she was getting off, such a good dad, he obliged. 

Mark's a pro at matching dance moves on the Backyardigans show. He had me in stitches tonight!

Last long weekend, Summer 2012

As a family, we saw the last of summer out with a bang.... and boy and I tired! I bought Alexiss some early birthday presents to help keep her busy, a small tote for water play and pouring practice indoors, some play doh AND some washable finger paints. Whew... then all the walks and trip to the park on top of it all!

We've been sleeping through most nights again but trying to figure out just what the reason.. is a hard thing to nail down. It could be the full piece sleepers again, it could be that the nights have cooled, it could be drinking more water during the day (which means less at night), it could be less outside time now that I'm home more, it could've been teething, it could've been growing pains. Who knows, but whatever it is.. I'll take it. Smart as a whip that little girl! She can pick out what she wants to watch on netflix, play DJ on the iPad and is starting to communicate well as far as telling us where to sit beside her as she plays, and telling me what she doesn't want for breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks.

My modified work schedule.. didn't work. So I'm finally taking life by the horns and resigning to start the business from home that I've had in my head for 4 or 5 years. A woman in the neighborhood refinished her barn into a meeting/arts and crafts building and has been looking for a knitter for a few years, so... here I go! A local yarn store it is! I've got the room visualized, the furniture picked out and know some of what I want to stock, and the flyer is made for the drop in knitting nights at the refinished barn (no where near enough room at home). On Friday Alexiss and I went into town to talk to the woman that's done our taxes for years, about what I need to do to get registered and a license. When I tried to give my notice at work, my bosses wanted to discuss if they could offer me a leave of absence instead, I'll find out more on Tuesday, but either way... come the end of Sept I'll be a stay at home, work from home Mom. It's been a tough year and I've held tightly to the old me while trying to incorporate the new me and the new life, it's okay, but I know I don't have the brainpower to play and have fun, let alone grow as a person. So I finally realized it was time to let the old go and grasp the new for all that it's worth. The store doesn't need to be super successful, just enough to bring in some extra money and give me a grown up outlet. I sure hope I can manage being a full time mom again, it's the toughest job out there and I do tend to sometimes get impatient with the constant demands. Hey, who knows, maybe I'll even get to mop the floor more often!

 Oh my goodness! Pinterest! Need I say more? Okay, for some of you.. probably. It's a website with a simple concept, people create albums and "pin" everything and anything from pictures to how they'd like to refinish a room, to do it yourself home tips, gardens, hair and nails.... quotes.. you name it, you can pin it. I've found so many great ideas for the house and for play ideas for Alexiss, and home made recipes for bubbles, toothpaste and playdoh with koolaid coloring. I've been spending way too much time looking and pinning, but honest... it's all good stuff!!!!

Okay, time to sweep and mop as Alexiss naps. This is the second thing on my to do list so I better get going. Here's our fun filled action packed day yesterday. Alexiss helped me clean out my yarn stash, I made a "de-stash" basket so people can trade old yarns they don't use or need, kinda the same as "take a penny, need a penny" trays. Then we went to play at the park, then home to finger paints!

Sweet summer days

Alexiss continues to fight going to bed, strange thing though, she goes down for naps super easy. Tonight...was a good night, it seems there's about one a week where she doesn't fight it and drifts off peacefully without ten thousand "close your eyes and go to sleep"s. I swear, I know paybacks are sweet, but when she gets to be a teen and sleeps in... ima sleepin in right along with her and enjoying every moment of it! It's been quite the month; lots of new sweet sounding words, a wedding in PEI, a beach and meeting cousins for the first time, the flu while away... and... yes... are you ready... a date night this coming Friday for The Momma and Dada! We're going golfing.. or rather.. Mark is golfing and I'm driving the cart. It's something we haven't done in 2 years and a great way to start a weekend. I hope all the pictures and videos don't bog down your computer too much, but they are too cute and I've just gotta share them. Alexiss is really becoming her own little person and in her eyes... she's the coolest, bravest kid around the block! Somehow... I think she's right! This weekend we went into Strathmore to their Heritage Day Festival and rodeo. We didn't watch the rodeo but did walk around the grounds for a bit. This is the first time seeing animals up close and personal. Alexiss was interested but a little hesitant and happy to watch the other kids cram their way in past her. Here's Alexiss at the beach in PEI, she had so much fun! Playing with her in the waves are Aunt Teresa and cousins Megan and Erica.. and Dada of course! ...just hanging out at home. See? Cool kid, eh? And now for super cute pictures!!!!