Quote and Thought

Tonight's quote: "Momma, it's my necklace, it's not a boogie."

Translation: "I stuck a bead from my necklace up my nose Momma. What do I do now?" Thank goodness Mark had the wits to just push on the side of her nose, out it popped.

Thought of the day: A child is a child and no matter how strict or soft you are, the child is still a child. They will still hate bedtime (well, not all of them), they will still pick their nose in public, they will still want candy instead of dinner even if you've said no for what feels like a thousand times or if you don't often say no. A parents style has no bearing on how a child behaves.

The art of apology

Being the person I want my child to become is harder than I'd imagined. We all know what's right and wrong but we all carry baggage and personality traits that harbor irritation at some things. Why should we expect our children to be any different and why do we expect them to be what we cannot?

What a life lesson our children teach us! How many character flaws come to light when a sweet innocent child makes us more aware of how we are seen outwardly in society?

What's becoming more obvious is the art of saying sorry without shame and self-detriment and with a feeling of empowerment. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all perfectly ourselves but we are not perfectly kind, patient and always loving. Making mistakes is a part of learning, apologizing is a part of showing respect and a way to show kindness when our initial reaction fails us.

I've always known my initial thoughts are sometimes judgmental and harsh, it's the reason I don't always share my first thoughts. The more I talk to others, the more they acknowledge first thoughts aren't always the nicest and are not what they really end up thinking. I believe it's our second thoughts and third thoughts that are who we really are, it's unfortunate society usually sees and reacts to our first thoughts only. Those close to us, those who ask questions, those who have patience to see through it are those who know us best. That, to me, is a part of loving someone.

So, I wish to help Ali learn the art of apologizing without feeling bad about herself, but also to learn from it and possibly not have to keep saying sorry for the same thing. Tough order if you ask me. I guess on the other hand, it's also important to teach how to accept apologies without making the other person feel shame.

The first step, I think, is to know what happened and what we are really saying sorry for then accepting that we made a mistake and make peace with it. Then the hard part, approaching the person to say sorry to because let's face it, that person could get high on their horse and take that apology and make you feel even worse by telling you what you should've done or why what you did is "bad". I choose to let others choose, and own, their own reactions, I can only control me, they have their own issues and while it effects me, it's not a part of me. A quote I love is "I'm only responsible for what I say not for what you understand." I do my part to be okay with me and my behavior and know that I'm doing all I can to be a good person. That's all a girl can do really. 

The other shoe is to accept apologies gracefully, without blame. I don't know if that's something I'm good at doing honestly. I mean, if you make someone feel worse while they are trying to own up to something, do you really think they're going to open up to you? Some may, but some may just kinda shut down and feel worse about themselves. Not cool, and not the intent of an apology. I think the best reaction would be to thank the person and be kind, end of story. There's a time for talking through issues and fights, but I don't think this is the time, considering the already heightened feelings, guilt and self righteousness. I may be wrong on that account though, I'll have to give it a bit more thought.

Accepting an apology does mean forgiving, it does not mean you have to continually put yourself in the same position over and over again with the same person. I know as a human we are supposed to love all our fellow neighbors, but I'm going to throw a big "but" in there.  There are people we just don't see eye to eye with and that's okay. No need to be unkind but perhaps if you can't deal with your reasons and hold back it's best to leave well enough alone and live and let live.

Learn to love others and yourself.

I'm finding it difficult to separate and accept behaviors in the world as they impact Ali. If a child unknowingly does something that I feel would affect Ali in an emotionally negative way, I get a little irked at that child, not fair of me and not what I wish for at all; not for Ali if she were the one to let go and have fun without thinking of how it affects the world around her, not for Ali to treat a fellow child as I'm feeling toward the other child and just... not. I'm appalled at my own behavior and hope it's not showing outward as much as I'm feeling it inward. I'm finding, through Ali I'm continuing to grow and be aware. In the past I've prided myself on being self aware, open minded, non-judgemental and if not kind, then at least not mean.

I write this to get it out, to vent, to....think, to remind myself for next time, perhaps maybe I'll catch myself and remember the words I've typed here and take it to heart. Somehow my written word drives things home a little more than thoughts bouncing around my noggin or words flying out of my mouth. I sit and stew as I pause and re-read, editing and rewording til it's just right.

I don't expect a young child to see their ripples in the world, they are their own world and the rest is just a playground to learn and grow. There does come a time when a toddler does need to become more aware and alert to others but I'm really not sure what age that would be and will have to trust that as a mom, for now, I'm the one alert enough to intercede until Ali catches on and learns by example and grows her own conscious. I really think that Ali will catch onto this one young, she already shows concern when a playmate is hurt and is the first to rush over and give a pat or a hug.

As an adult there does come a time when you have to throw all else to the wind no matter and "be" no matter how it effects others as they perceive it, but children are so sensitive and naive with no filter. And I don't mean hurting others to get ahead or to disregard others, but to live as she feels is right for her, making decisions, making mistakes and learning through life, through all her life as a toddler through to her ripe old retirement, never stop living, being, doing, learning. As an adult I think sometimes we often do for others more for ourselves and need to remember to do for ourselves, be ourselves and  listen to our own hearts. Our hearts know the truth of what we desire and the entire story with all aspects and baggage, hopes and fears. Our truth is not something that cannot be told and understood in it's entirety through verbal discussion, it cannot be understood to anyone other than ourselves. And we don't often take time to find our own hearts through all the static and noise of society and others.

Ali's going to have her struggles growing up as the youngest in a batch of many kids. I just hope, as a mom, I teach her to love through it (others and herself) and not take it personally. I wish for her to be kind, grow strong, love herself and not feel like she needs to change to make anyone like her.