Dear Alexiss
Since being off work full time and spending more time with you, I've been doing a lot of thinking and setting my head and heart straight. Never think that my love for you isn't bigger than everything else life throws my way. Your love rules my way and I am never thinking of just myself, I'm also thinking of you and Dad in everything I do.
I admit, I struggle with staying home full-time, it's a shift I'm having a difficult time with but I'm working hard to narrow down just what I'm trying to hold so tight onto. Work is work but work also gives us a sense of accomplishment. It's easy to finish a task and present it with a big smile knowing I've completed the task well. With you, it's not as easy to know when I'm doing the right thing, I don't think I'll ever know. All I can do is to try to protect you from harm while also knowing when to let you go explore and grow on your own. Another mom said to me that you are healthy and happy, so I must be doing a great job. But it's so much more than that.
Some mom's don't talk about it, I don't know why. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't love you like I should, but then I started realizing all the other feelings may impact or seem to overlay my love for you, but they are totally separate things. Anger and impatience is not about how much I do or do not love you, it's nothing external and everything internal to me. What a huge realization! Say it with me, "Anger has nothing to do with loving or not loving a person". I can get angry with someone I don't necessary click with, but I can also get angry with those I love the most. So, my conclusion is, anger is never in the same equation with love. Remember that, not just from me but from everyone you come into contact with.
Today I realized that prayer is love. Regardless of denomination, it makes us aware of our hearts, our compassion and our empathy for others. Prayer, even if to a different God, is pure love and positive energy beamed your way. Be grateful for those are willing to publicly pray for you and think of you. Of course, some people may pray for you in a way you are not inclined because they think they know what is best for you, in that instance, pray for them for acceptance and tolerance in your differences. I think I've written you a past letter about types of love and how people show it. It's a tough one.
So, while I put you down to bed tonight, and after an hour and a half when you're still wiggling, it seems you'll never fall asleep and my patience wears thin, remember, even with the short curt "Alexiss, go to sleep"'s, there is still love in the room and always will be. My responsibility as a parent is to grow and nurture your spirit and self enough so that when the times comes, you are capable and strong enough to find your way in life and be willing to go the way you see fit, despite what others may think (yes, even me).
Always
Momma
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