The art of apology

Being the person I want my child to become is harder than I'd imagined. We all know what's right and wrong but we all carry baggage and personality traits that harbor irritation at some things. Why should we expect our children to be any different and why do we expect them to be what we cannot?

What a life lesson our children teach us! How many character flaws come to light when a sweet innocent child makes us more aware of how we are seen outwardly in society?

What's becoming more obvious is the art of saying sorry without shame and self-detriment and with a feeling of empowerment. Everyone makes mistakes. We are all perfectly ourselves but we are not perfectly kind, patient and always loving. Making mistakes is a part of learning, apologizing is a part of showing respect and a way to show kindness when our initial reaction fails us.

I've always known my initial thoughts are sometimes judgmental and harsh, it's the reason I don't always share my first thoughts. The more I talk to others, the more they acknowledge first thoughts aren't always the nicest and are not what they really end up thinking. I believe it's our second thoughts and third thoughts that are who we really are, it's unfortunate society usually sees and reacts to our first thoughts only. Those close to us, those who ask questions, those who have patience to see through it are those who know us best. That, to me, is a part of loving someone.

So, I wish to help Ali learn the art of apologizing without feeling bad about herself, but also to learn from it and possibly not have to keep saying sorry for the same thing. Tough order if you ask me. I guess on the other hand, it's also important to teach how to accept apologies without making the other person feel shame.

The first step, I think, is to know what happened and what we are really saying sorry for then accepting that we made a mistake and make peace with it. Then the hard part, approaching the person to say sorry to because let's face it, that person could get high on their horse and take that apology and make you feel even worse by telling you what you should've done or why what you did is "bad". I choose to let others choose, and own, their own reactions, I can only control me, they have their own issues and while it effects me, it's not a part of me. A quote I love is "I'm only responsible for what I say not for what you understand." I do my part to be okay with me and my behavior and know that I'm doing all I can to be a good person. That's all a girl can do really. 

The other shoe is to accept apologies gracefully, without blame. I don't know if that's something I'm good at doing honestly. I mean, if you make someone feel worse while they are trying to own up to something, do you really think they're going to open up to you? Some may, but some may just kinda shut down and feel worse about themselves. Not cool, and not the intent of an apology. I think the best reaction would be to thank the person and be kind, end of story. There's a time for talking through issues and fights, but I don't think this is the time, considering the already heightened feelings, guilt and self righteousness. I may be wrong on that account though, I'll have to give it a bit more thought.

Accepting an apology does mean forgiving, it does not mean you have to continually put yourself in the same position over and over again with the same person. I know as a human we are supposed to love all our fellow neighbors, but I'm going to throw a big "but" in there.  There are people we just don't see eye to eye with and that's okay. No need to be unkind but perhaps if you can't deal with your reasons and hold back it's best to leave well enough alone and live and let live.