Learn to love others and yourself.

I'm finding it difficult to separate and accept behaviors in the world as they impact Ali. If a child unknowingly does something that I feel would affect Ali in an emotionally negative way, I get a little irked at that child, not fair of me and not what I wish for at all; not for Ali if she were the one to let go and have fun without thinking of how it affects the world around her, not for Ali to treat a fellow child as I'm feeling toward the other child and just... not. I'm appalled at my own behavior and hope it's not showing outward as much as I'm feeling it inward. I'm finding, through Ali I'm continuing to grow and be aware. In the past I've prided myself on being self aware, open minded, non-judgemental and if not kind, then at least not mean.

I write this to get it out, to vent, to....think, to remind myself for next time, perhaps maybe I'll catch myself and remember the words I've typed here and take it to heart. Somehow my written word drives things home a little more than thoughts bouncing around my noggin or words flying out of my mouth. I sit and stew as I pause and re-read, editing and rewording til it's just right.

I don't expect a young child to see their ripples in the world, they are their own world and the rest is just a playground to learn and grow. There does come a time when a toddler does need to become more aware and alert to others but I'm really not sure what age that would be and will have to trust that as a mom, for now, I'm the one alert enough to intercede until Ali catches on and learns by example and grows her own conscious. I really think that Ali will catch onto this one young, she already shows concern when a playmate is hurt and is the first to rush over and give a pat or a hug.

As an adult there does come a time when you have to throw all else to the wind no matter and "be" no matter how it effects others as they perceive it, but children are so sensitive and naive with no filter. And I don't mean hurting others to get ahead or to disregard others, but to live as she feels is right for her, making decisions, making mistakes and learning through life, through all her life as a toddler through to her ripe old retirement, never stop living, being, doing, learning. As an adult I think sometimes we often do for others more for ourselves and need to remember to do for ourselves, be ourselves and  listen to our own hearts. Our hearts know the truth of what we desire and the entire story with all aspects and baggage, hopes and fears. Our truth is not something that cannot be told and understood in it's entirety through verbal discussion, it cannot be understood to anyone other than ourselves. And we don't often take time to find our own hearts through all the static and noise of society and others.

Ali's going to have her struggles growing up as the youngest in a batch of many kids. I just hope, as a mom, I teach her to love through it (others and herself) and not take it personally. I wish for her to be kind, grow strong, love herself and not feel like she needs to change to make anyone like her.