What a day! First a toy thrown at me, then it didn't seem to phase her that she's hurt me, physically or emotionally. When I asked her if she threw toys at Dad, she said "No, I like Dad". I tell ya, the things we do to our parents and take for granted. On one hand it's always comforting to know Ali can be who she is and be in whatever moment she's in with me present, on the other hand...it sometimes sucks.
After I got over the hurt, I realized Ali's allowed to not like me. I mean, I always knew it and knew it would happen, but today I got to practice it. But I took the rest of it personally as lack of respect.
I don't always know how to be a parent, I don't always want to be a parent. How do you teach respect? Demanding it instils fear, not respect, but outwardly it appears as respect. I want the real deal and today I was disrespected. I can teach Ali to use manners, zip her jacket, say please and thank you, share, drive her battery Jeep (okay, she's also self taught, she catches on so quick!), to think of safety. Somehow respect is a tough one. I show her respect, but let's face it, children are in their own little self world. You cannot teach respect just by giving it, she's got no idea. But disrespect her, and boy, does she know it. So she knows lack of respect but doesn't understand the concept of respect... interesting indeed. Showing respect. Well, I can demand it, in a passive way. Don't get me wrong, my urge is not to be passive at all, I wanna yell and fight...roar... disrespect me...I'll teach ya!
I can only speak for Alexiss when I say, anger gets me no where. She does not learn in that environment at all. I can actually see her disassociate and disengage. Today I chose to walk away and talk about how I don't like to play after being hit with a toy, it makes me feel bad. I told her I wasn't feeling good about the way she was treating me and that I didn't have to put up with it.
I have no idea how to be a parent. Today, I didn't want to be a parent.
BUT... after bedtime, when she was sleeping uncomfortably, I quietly went in and fixed her stuffed toys. She rouses and open her eyes to ask me what I'm doing. I whisper "It's okay honey, I'm just fixing your toys, you looked so uncomfortable". She smiles with half open eyes, lift up both hands and gives me two thumbs up.
Now I'm just in love and wanting to be a parent, her parent. Call me sucker cuz tomorrow is another day.
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