Here I sit on a coolish Wednesday morning, looking at the snow on the ground and waiting for Bubba to wake up. She's roused a few times but I guess she couldn't muster the motion to totally wake up. Tea in hand and finally getting a chance to update. Although I suspect that she'll wake before I'm finished, and this screen will sit for awhile, half done and waiting.
Friday we go check out a day home in Carseland for Wednesday's. It's the little things that impress me and make me feel okay about people, when I was on the phone with this woman yesterday, Bev, kids in the background were gently and nicely asked to quiet down for a few minutes so she could talk... and they did... and she thanked them. Yeah, the little things.
What a spin our lives took this year, and what a challenge! I didn't always handle things with the most love and humor in my heart but we all got through and now find more reasons to laugh together than to struggle. Even nights with three bed times aren't met with the same frustration and approach, I still confirm it's bed time, but if Alexiss doesn't settle we find things to laugh about until she settles in. Usually the laugh and the talking is enough to settle her in, stuffed puppy in hand and cuddling galore.
When Alexiss was first born, my faith in anything spiritual took a dive just because it seemed I could not get a break...nor would I always take a break when offered. Sleep deprivation is a baaadd thing. Some may have said post-partum depression but I knew it came back to missing something that I loved, I love sleeping! These days I can't sleep from worry, but that's different, it's not someone else not letting me sleep.
(by the way, she's up and muttering.. I'll have to go soon...)
These days, my faith is back, but my trust is not. I can handle bad things in life that happen to me, I can tough through them, learn from them and not hold resentment. I'm not so trusting with Alexiss's life. I don't always trust in faith that things happen as they should, I don't always trust that everything is for a reason. I want her to have good things in life, to not struggle, to not be pained, I want her to have love, laughs and life.... end of story.
There was a time in life, I took everything as it came, I lived with no regrets, I let the past go. I didn't fear or resent death, it was a part of life. With my Dad dying so young (I'm much older than he will ever be) I know we are mortal and age isn't always a factor. I lived that if I died tomorrow that I'd be okay to go onto the next phase of my journey. Now, not so much. I'd be pissed right off.
(ohhh, she could be brewing a "package" for me first thing this morning. Good thing to get out of the way I think, eh?)
I still worry about SIDs, (silly at age one, I know), that's what keeps me awake, listening to her breathing through the monitor.
It's had a similar effect on Mark, but in case, he's become more thankful for what he has and has a new motivation for life, to watch Alexiss grow and provide all he can to ensure that happens, love, a roof over our heads and food on the table. There is a new worry in there as well. Ah Mark, what an amazing man he is! So grounded and centered, so balanced. Never imposing his thoughts on others, never judging. I'm glad Alexiss has him for a Dad.
(okay, I must go and see what she's up to and start our day home together. Chances are we'll be chasing pets, eating... maybe napping... and walking from room to room. Her new thing is to grab something cloth in both hands. That provides a huge tripping hazard, so Mark and I hold up the slack behind her and follow.. from room to room to room to room.)
Happy Wednesday! I'm going to go spend it with my baby girl!
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